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i sort of don't understand why it seems the biggest fear so many people have, is being (a) nobody.

if only i could be nobody. just imagining the freedom in that is heady wine for me. i hope to experience true nobodiness. i beleive i have actually, for a fleeting nanosecond here and there that i try to savour into hours, but only contaminate the past in the attempt to use the present to hold on. the minute you recognize me, i'm somebody to you. i'm whoever and whatever your accumulated experiences of me are. and vice versa. and that's when i feel like a nobody to you, thats the lonely kind of nobody, the one that is dismissed, and that's not the 'nobody' i'm referring to.


to be a 'nobody' of the sort i'm painfully incapable of expressing accurately, is a nobody with presense, yet it's not necessarily anybody you notice.

well what the hell would i know about any of it, i'm somebody who wonders who any of us really are, we all are arrogantly certain we know ourselves, know that we are a somebody, afterall we worked so hard, invested so much effort into being and becoming somebody. and so off we go, showing off our somebodies, and running from....nobody.


does anyone else see the agonizing and cruel irony in a world that has us convinced that being nobody is worse than death, is it because being nobody is seen as a kind of ultimate mediocrity. oxymorons by definition can't really exist, lol.


to that i say bullshit. there's no greater gift than true nobodiness. except it's not something anyone can be graced with, just for the asking. that's another big bs.

the instant you ask for grace, you have put on your somebody suit again. and the horror of it is, you look in the mirror and you have no idea who that is. how can you possibly love the somebody suit. you can't receive love from *any* true source, wearing your somebody suit, it's not you at all at all, it's made of..i dunno cosmic rubber, lol.

i really hope that nobody can make sense of some of that. not sure why i wanted to say it.

i do think the good news is....nobody sends you/me/us much love.

Being "nobody" seems okay to me. Mediocrity is not necessarily a bad thing, I guess I'm terrified of conformity. I see the striving to be "somebody" as a form of forced conformity or something. I mean, why can't I just be me? Why can't I be a simple man with a simple plan?

Who was it that said "pleasure disappoints, possibility never"?

I really like what you've both shared. Thank you

I don't think there is such a thing as a "nobody", it's all in the eye of the beholder. The greatest "somebody" I have ever met is a literal "nobody" in the eyes of the rest of the world, as she lives a quiet life, in a quiet way, and never did anything to make headlines or gain fame or fortune. And yet, she is rich beyond measure, because she has peace within her heart.

I aim to be nothing more than I am at this moment. I feel pretty good in this acceptance of self.

Love,
Dee

"Nobody" as you have described it here, seems to confirm the statement "nobody is perfect".

Yet why not strive for acceptance of the totality of who you are or who you are expressing yourself to be in any moment? Whether that is being a nobody or a somebody.

I don't think that it is "wrong" to strive for being a nobody, yet the question I would ask myself is "Am I striving to be nobody because I am afraid to be somebody?"

I have found in my life that when I am truly longing for something (and strive for it) it is usually out of fear of not being something. I, then, find myself doing the work to release my expectations to the point of not having to strive for either choice, but accepting both so I may be able to express who I am in ANY situation, whether as a nobody or as a somebody.

Just another way to see it.

Cheers!

Drew

"we all are arrogantly certain we know ourselves"

if that's what you think...

I think guest has a good point, if I am perceiving it properly and not through my own sense of where I'm at in the moment as I read this.

In each moment, I am certain I know myself. Sometimes joyfully, and sometimes painfully so.

well you see that's just it. i don't much care really, what i think anymore. my thoughts are not who or what i am.

'you', to 'me' are nothing more than our thoughts of each other. ok feelings too, but if you don't even know who you really are, how the hell can you trust your feelings, your thoughts? if you are not residing in the i am. continuously. like, for real, your subjective consciousness the reality and your external world the illusion. i don't mean intellectually, and i don't mean living in la la land, nor do i mean that 'i know but i don't know anything but i know that much' kind of meaning. maybe i'm just the last kid on the block to finally separate emotion from feeling, thinking from being. wanting from allowing. well it just seems to me that a lot of people speak about higher selves and lower selves, without being capable of actually distinguishing the difference in themselves.

you read far too much in what i don't say. do you ever have that experience. like now, maybe.


anyway, that's not to say that i don't very much care about what i think. sometimes i find it both expedient and beneficial to let my thoughts tell me what i should think. about things. if only because the immediate consequence is then me trying to be somebody, which is when i usually make an ass of myself, the relationship of cause and effect is right in my face, i so often miss the subtleties and so my experience brings me the incredibly obvious.

but otherwise, i don't much care about what i think, and i don't expect anyone else does either, which is a relief, actually. somehow i have this strange enjoyment in occasionally expressing myself in a place where nobody gives a damn about what i think. even if it's not for the reason i think it is, lol.



mallory.....angry and demanding:

how sexy am i now, huh? flirty boy! how sexy am i now?



i don't know where to vent that anger. i have seen tho, how i have vented that anger here, on more than one occasion. my sincere apologies to any and all who may have felt the brunt of that anger, in one form or another, directly or indirectly, here. well there's been other stuff too, but the list is long and boring, lol.

i guess i just don't know how to participate here the regular way, i just don't experience much benefit to participate here in a way that requires (?) that i give you something of myself. i can't do the online dialogue/direct response to quote/question/comment thing. that's just personality stuff which is fine and well but ugh there is such pretense in that. every time i've tried to do that, i end up giving you nothing but me in my somebody suit. well it's hugely beneficial for me to see that, but it is often at the expense of another. and that's not who i am, and any image i've created here is of my own making, which is of course again......not me at all. not I am...i mean.

and so then i see clearly the imposter, and my first reaction is to tear the somebody suit to shreds. which only adds to the illusion, and i've overstepped, stepped on, dismissed, refused, let slip by.....and the image is become grotesque. how long do i have to be a dog chasing my own tail.

well i've discovered that all the i love yous are false, until you/i can look me/you in the eye and tell you/me i love me. there is no real truth to be found, until that pivotal moment........revealed as everpresent and eternal.

Interesting reading. And an interesting point of view. It seems like you are making much out of nothing, but I cannot be sure. The way that you write nwb is very disjointed to me, so I cannot be sure of much, if anything at all, metaphorically.

Nor is it my "job" or "longing" to make you see a different way. I mean, who are you to me?

The answer: Nobody.



Drew.

I think there is a difference in who you are being and who you are. While who you are is vast, who you are being gives you the opportunity to experience a bit of who you are. While we can’t experience the vastness of who we are, we can know who we are being.

Most of the time who you THINK you are being and who you ARE being are two different things too. There is information in how others experience you, and sometimes others know who you are being better than you know yourself. If you were to make a list of how others experience you, you might learn much about yourself, but we tend to take this information to define ourselves instead and that’s not how this information can help. On the contrary, I think we have all noticed when people are being who they say they don’t want to be fighting an identity.

It is like when people are doing what they need to do to heal themselves even if it is easier to see it in others. Most counselors and psychologists think they are healing other people but they are really there to heal themselves, I think AA has much success in helping because people counsel others after a period of time, and this is what is helping them. It is the same with lightworkers and new age healers. Unconsciously we tend to need recognition and validation, but consciously observing ourselves, we have the ability to jump in and out and provide healing for ourselves and others by example without anyone noticing, and imo, it happens a lot.

I am reminded of “the little soul and the sun“, when the other angel offered to help the little soul experience forgiveness, and he said something like… ‘remember… don’t forget, because I will be pretending so hard to forget myself, and if you don’t remember who I really am, I will be lost for a long time’. It is possible to be that angel for others as they are for you.

And it is not like pretending as we know pretending to be, because you really live it and experience it, if it was just pretending without really experiencing it others would notice before you do who you are being, you can fool yourself but not those outside of you experiencing you. Looking back I realize I have lost myself many times, and in some cases for years. But conscious or not you will jump in and out because, imo, we are here to experience as much of who we are as we can.

Obviously, unconsciously we tend to give ourselves too much importance, it is not even possible for you to affect people in a negative or positive way, on discussion board or otherwise. People are experiencing who they are being period, and in this context your wish is granted, ultimately you are nobody.

"well you see that's just it. i don't much care really, what i think anymore. my thoughts are not who or what i am."

within thinking, i agree, you - are - not your thoughts, you have them, and the thoughts you have are a direct extension of who and what and where and when you are. Within the local between, from where thoughts come and to where they go, they pass through you exactly as result of who or what you are.

"'you', to 'me' are nothing more than our thoughts of each other. ok feelings too..."

speaking of what appears to me as a contradictory reduction. If you are not your thoughts and I am not my thoughts then how can we be the thoughts we have between us? i have a belief that things (matter and energy) are in existence independent of thought.

i have lost the grip around being certain of anything or perhaps certainty has given up the effort it can prove anything to me. Possibility, probability and likelihood have fairly replaced any degree of certainty I may have once had.

"i guess i just don't know how to participate here the regular way"

... me either.

Uh oh... there's a regular way to participate here? I'm in deep doodoo then...

i've come to notice that pretty much every aha moment i've ever had....was not a moment in which i realized something 'new', but a moment in which i recognized the 'both and neither'. in the whatever.

the only way i can speak about what i'm thinking, is in woefully inadequate and inaccurate and thus, meandering descriptions of the images that my 'thoughts' take. to have the way i write described as 'disjointed'......um....gee really? lol drew, is ok, it's nothing that disturbs or anything, just peculiar to me, as much as yeah i get why you would say that, everything i say makes perfect and very much connected sense to me, lol.

yes ok guest, i suppose i didn't put that quite right, did i.

what i mean is.....in (my) subjective reality, (your) thoughts of me don't even exist. but (we) interract with each other, based on our thoughts of each other, as tho those thoughts/judgements are in fact, reality.

well dear guest, if you are who i think you are lol.......then you and i have experienced the perfect example of what i mean, together. when i was that somebody her and you were that somebody him.

sorry, i really mucked that up back then, didn't i.


hey dee, i don't think anyone expects you to be regular, lol. or more accurately.....well its all about me isn't it. i feel like i'm always fighting some internal battle to fit in.....only it's not that a 'victory' is about no long caring if i fit in or not, because i don't. care, i mean. because 'fitting in' has nothing to do with who i really am either.

ok i have to just say that i don't know what it is i'm trying to dig up here.

shh. don't tell me please, if i don't see it on my own/with the help of you, it won't be what i'm after. i have to find the ends, before i can find the middle.

tonia, i love the way you write, and i read your stuff all the time, but when you're speaking to me (or i suppose when i think you are speaking to me) i find myself wishing you would just say it to me straight. you know like....spit it out, woman! lol.

except of course, i know you and i are much alike that way, in that there is just no other way to put it than the way it comes out, and if someone else doesn't get it, then....well it doesn't change what it means. so you just gotta leave it as is. so thank you for your efforts, whether intended for me or not, you just never know who's listening sometimes, hey.

goodnite.

"what i mean is.....in (my) subjective reality, (your) thoughts of me don't even exist."

for sure! then... [pause] ...maybe... [pause] ...still subject to the both and neither/do and don't/is and isn't 'clause'.

Seems readily apparent that your thought has had an existence... just not likely I've got much of a clue to what actually they may been. Assign variable X, no idea what X is equal to. But as variables go... X has come into existence none the less.

The capacity of human pattern recognition is... sometimes uncanny.

and there you go... making me into a somebody.

Thank you that was a funny reflection. Accurate, comical



*tips her waitress*