Friends of CwG Discussion Board

what do you do when you dig yourself in so far that there is no way out and the one person you love more than anything on the planet is hurting because of the choices you made? what if you married the wrong person and your child is the one who is hurt most of all because of the situation you are in? what if you feel trapped in a loveless pointless marriage that is only held together by obligation and a lack of resources to change anything?

i feel like i have failed my child and i keep failing my child by not changing anything but i have no resources to go i dont have anything of my own no job no nothing and i am disabled and can't work.

can you change someone? can talking about it over and over ever change things? can a love that was once strong then fizzled ever be rebuilt?

i'm torn

I have to say, I am a little disappointed that no one here attempted to respond to this.

It wasn't an easy post to make, anonymous or not. It was full of self-pity, worry, fear, and all central to a big fight that felt like the end of my world.

Of course it was all blown out of proportion. To a degree. Things aren't as bad as all that. They aren't great mind you. But they aren't abyssmal.

I'm still torn. Though not over what I posted about above. What I posted about above is part of the bi-product of my being torn, not the cause of it.

I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. I don't know anything much really. I know I have moments of sheer bliss and peace. And I know I have moments of utter desolation and futility. I guess I'm human.

I feel pretty manic these days, like a boomerang, no matter how far I go towards calm and certainty, I end up coming back to fear and loss.

I kinda suck. And it's ok, tongue is in cheek as I share my suckiness. I'm being honest about it. I'm 38 years old, in a life situation that I never once imagined for myself, but devoted to the people I've chosen to be here with. On good days it's great. On the bad days it's lonely. I guess that's part of being human too.

For a long time I really thought losing myself in spirituality would help me overcome (or accept) the shitty things in life. And that would somehow help me to attract a blissful reality. I finally see how attempting to be anything other than I am is nothing more than more mindfuck mumbojumbo.

Who am I? No idea. Who does the world perceive me as? Again, no clue. I only know how I think the world perceives me, and that is the desolation.

I think I've gotten so content with complacency.

Anyways. Still kinda stuck here. But in a different way. I know my above post is an effect, not a cause.

Ty for that quote

((((JL))))

I wanted to share more, but didn't have the privacy.

It's ok right now. The love thing. It's ok. It's good. Life is so hard, I wonder if we had money, would the love come easier? Would I be less of a bitch? Would he be less of a baby?

We don't cope well with trouble much of the time. Those rare occasions we can both pull it together at the same time are pretty nice, but it is always one of us holding the other up. And sometimes I feel like I have another kid, not a husband.

I do love him. And I know he loves me. I just wonder how much of this love is comfort, stability, familiarity.

I like to tell people I don't have any regrets, and on the surface I guess I don't. But deep inside of me, there is this younger version of me who would like to kick my current versions of my own ass, for ending up the way I have...

I didn't aspire to this.

I've ended up this snivelling mass who doesn't really know what I believe. Life was so much easier before I read CwG. Honestly. And before all that BS with The Secret and Tolle, and Rother and so and so forth.

I was content, then I read these books telling me I wasn't actually content, because I was false, and wasn't the truth of who "I Am"... and it all went to hell from there.

I guess I'm mad at the new age spiritual movement, because it's made me mad at myself, for bothering to buy any of it at all. I had a close relationship with my guides, with my God, before all this naval examining. It had a magic for me, it was tangible and even if it was a biproduct of pineal over-activity I DIDN'T F* CARE.. because there was comfort in it. And I was happy.

The last time I had contact with a guide? Or a spiritual moment that didn't involve just me myself and I? Years. How long I've been depressed, unmotivated, complacent? About exactly the same amount of time.

How do I get back to ignorant bliss? Not possible. Labotomy maybe... but not viable

And now I don't know what else to say. For now. I'll be back.

I'm not going to address your points Dee because that would send me off into my personal situation, but know that almost everything you've said so far is just about identical to my issues. Just wanted to let you know that I'm reading and "get" it.

Another reason I'm not addressing your posts is because of something you said that applies to me as well....



I'm a mess also when it comes to knowing what the heck to do. I just don't know what the right thing to do is.

I apologize if my reply is disappointing because if you're anything like me your looking for advice/guidance and I can't offer any of that. Sorry.

I'm not disappointed. Somehow, just knowing that someone understands, or cares, or relates on some level is reassuring. I'm sorry that you relate, don't get me wrong, but misery loves company I guess.

I don't hurt all the time. I know you don't either. I know there are moments when life is groovy and everything is sunshine and lollypops.

But there are also times, when the "truth" seems to well up from inside and it's far less shiny...

I don't know if sharing this stuff here does anything other than get it off my chest, and I know that's selfish. It's like I'm coming here to bring you down. And I don't want to do that. But I still believe that salvation is a two way street, and I can't save myself unless I reach out first.

On my best brightest moments, I know that everything I need is inside of me. But those moments don't sustain me. And sometimes I just want to curl up and cry for hours. Sometimes I do.

I know you do too.

Thank you M. Just for being here with me. Even if we don't say anything else.

Dee, I read your original post too but thought the subject matter was way too heavy for my style of communication.

Of course I've been where you were, I remember it well, ten years ago or thereabouts. I won't give you any relationship advice because even though I now have a very happy ending, I did throw in the towel back then. I'd rather give you a "don't give up" message than a "do what I did" message. In addition to that, what changed everything for me at the time was actually that I started taking Wellbutrin. My edge came back, I began to see things clearly. Even in terms of spirituality......I remember saying to my husband at the time "I've found God! And his name is Wellbutrin!" My old fearless self was back.

Before I get attacked by the mob here for being pro-pharmaceutical, let me clarify... I am NOT advocating that you drug yourself (not that I'm not against it either). It was part of my process, but I was such a kid then. Your situation is completely different, you're older and wiser than I was, and you have children and spirituality on your side. FWIW I don't take Wellbutrin anymore, and ten years later, I do believe that we have so much more power than we realize....to change all kinds of things...even brain chemistry, without pills.

For some it's therapy, massage, new age gurus and dogmas, others it's a stiff drink and a good comedy or a long walk. I've read a million books on religion and new age philosophy, looked into a lot of methods of enlightenment. Where I find the answers though, is in me. I find God in everything I see and touch, but I don't have to overthink it or analyze it to death. We shouldn't feel pressure to adopt anyone else's so called wisdom. Trust yourself. The bottom line is that nobody's got it all figured out, even the ones who think they do. In fact, especially not the ones who think they do.

Even though I don't know you or anything about your personal situation, I know you are very fortunate to have such a beautiful mind and soul to work with....especially at times when things aren't all hearts and flowers and unicorns. To 'find yourself' and who you really are can be a lot to tackle....but for some reason I actually think deep down you do know who you are, and it's good. Trust yourself.

Enough cliches. I'll leave the heavy lifting and deep spiritual insight and analysis to those who fancy themselves poets. Btw, you already know how I perceive you...Homecoming Queen.

One more thing, you mentioned wondering if more money would make it easier. From personal experience, a lot of money buys nothing. In fact it kind of clouds reality and pushes us away from ourselves.

Also, I now see you already wrote that you know everything you need is inside you. Break it all down into something you can fit in your hand. You have it.

Oh i'm drugged.



Anti-deps, anti-anxiety, plus a cocktail of pain killers, muscle relaxants, and anti-inflams.

I quit smoking pot last year. I don't drink. Maybe I should

I am tired of

Ya know?

I don't trust what's in my hand all the time...

I dunno, the urge to have this moved to Steam is there, underneath, but more cowardly hiding I suppose, so leave it where it is for now.

Health will improve almost at once when worrying ends. -B1-P188


Is that possible? Worry ending? Forever, while still alive and breathing?

I hear you.

Is it Wellbutrin? That stuff was good, I admit it!!! I lost about 30 pounds when I took it. In all honesty I think over half the people I know are on one drug or another. They do work.

Not trusting, I know that feeling. I also know when I do trust myself I do the right things, or maybe its just that it all works out no matter what we do.

Yeah maybe a glass of petit syrah or a screwdriver wouldn't hurt for the worrying.

No it isn't Wellbutrin, I gained weight on mine lol. I could take liquid plumber and still gain weight though.

I had to sit on this a while A.G. I had to read it with a clear mind, fresh perspective. Last night it felt like you were seeing someone I wasn't willing to see. You know?

Some poets here would call it feeding my victim mentality, or stroking my ego. You can stroke all you like honey, I don't read any condescension from you - you read "compassion" and "friendship" and "empathy" to me.

Thank you for reaching out across the 0's and 1's of this "place". My issues don't elude me, haven't for a long long while. But sometimes they come and rear up and bite me on the ample bum and it's funny, every time they do I am surprised. Can you even fathom the confusion of having to deal with disassociative disorder? My life is a comical farce quite like Groundhog Day with Bill Murray.

You know, it took me a good 30 years to finally realize my mum was toxic for me. And I still get these waves of sorrow, after all is said and done, ties are cut, life is better off without her in it... these incredible surges (mind you only a couple times a year now, not every day or week) of loss, regret, sorrow for her, sorrow for me. Post traumatic stress isn't something reserved primarily for war heros. Adoptee's, abused kids, foster kids, I guess we get it too. Mine plays out as sorrow and panic mixed together to create a lovely concoction - desolation.

I feel lucky to be able to express these thoughts. I know they're fleeting, not to say they don't return, they rebound like my boomerang... but... it's still comforting to know that *someone* will read a few words, nod in familiarity or empathy, think a positive thought in my direction.

You see, I've learned something really pivotal here this last few weeks, what with all the drama, and confusion regarding identities, and people pushing away genuine acts of kindness: I do not need validation; but I do so yearn for comfort. Friendship brings me comfort. Being understood on some level brings me comfort. Peace of mind is felt within me when I know that I'm not alone in this pain. That I'm allowed to express it without being chastized for not being attentive enough, or focused enough, or "this" enough or "that" enough.

I don't feel stuck here right now. I feel free here. Until the next moment of stuck sorrow washes over me. But I do so appreciate your kindness A.G. So very much. I'd like to sit with you and share a cup of coffee, and some deep conversation about life and feelings, and then some very long hugs, and some deep hearty belly laughs.

I hope you have a lovely day.

I myself have pulled an intentional all-nighter. Premeditated sleep deprivation, simply because I *can*. For the first time in many years, I've allowed myself to stay up all night, not due to my chronic bouts of insomnia, but simply because I have nothing to do today, nowhere to be, so I can sleep, nap, snooze, whatever. I stayed up watching movies, playing online, sitting outside, petting my dogs. It was nice. Quiet time with myself. For myself. Just because.

Anyways at the risk of floating too far towards the sublime again, I'll just stick to the center as best I can, and chalk it all up to "life".